The Pants: A Collection of Oddities
by WinterJade
Summary: Total crack updated at my leisure, it will have some interesting pairings and some generics. The catch is that they're all-dialouge chapters in an effort to hone my severely neglected dialouge skills! Itachi and Kisame will be next, but this collection is on hiatus.
1. Stolen but Soft

An all-dialouge fic! I do NOT support DeiTobi or vice versa in any way. I love DeiSaku, and Deidara being gay is such a waste of his hotness for the girls. However...my Council...they are annoyingly possessive and pushy when I think of something funny... I don't know. I just know that I saw this awesome tiny comic about Tobi stealing Deidara's pants on deviantart (not mine obviously). I'll try and find the link for all of you.

Disclaimer: Again, Jade owns nothing. She never does. Why can't you people get that through your skulls already!?!? Me: I'm sorry. Tempers are a little strained right now. Especially with me because of my apparent (Deidara: Apparent, un?!?!?)...yes apparent...inability to finish anything or stick to a pairing.

* * *

"Get out, Tobi."

"Why?"

"Because you're annoying, un."

"But...Tobi is a good boy."

"No, Tobi is a bad boy, who needs to leave before his sempai decides to blow him up, un!"

".._**Tobi is a good boy**_."

"...."

"Sempai, why are you staring at Tobi?"

"You need to learn how to control that voice of yours, Tobi."

"Sorry, Deidara-sempai." _Clunk._

"..."

"Deidara-sempai...?"

"Tobi.. just get out, un."

"No. Tobi will not get out because this is Tobi's bed."

"And this is my desk!"

"What is your point?"

"My point is that I'm not getting out, and you're bothering me, un. So get out."

"No."

"Mmpph, un.."

"Sempai, it's very hard to hear you like that. Why is your face squished on your desk?"

"Because I'm annoyed, un."

"Why?"

"Will you stop asking why and just get out?"

"Tobi shall not leave, Sempai. Tobi is tired."

"...."

"Sempai will you stop sighing? Tobi is attempting to sleep."

"..."

"Sempai, you're doing it again."

"Tobi, get out before I murder you, un."

"Tobi _**WILL NOT LEAVE**_!!"

"You're being a very bad boy, un."

"_**Tobi is not a bad boy**_!"

"Well he's acting like a very bad one!"

"...."

"Aw hell, now you have me doing it, un."

"...."

"Tobi...? "

"No!"

"Tobi..."

"NO!"

Tobi...!"

"_**Tobi said NO!!**_"

"TOBI!!"

"For the last time, Tobi said no, Sempai."

"Tobi, come on. I didn't mean it like that, un..."

"....."

"But Tobi, I didn't mean it, un!"

"....."

"Tobi is a good boy, un."

"Now, Deidara-sempai, flattery will get you nowhere with Tobi."

"Tobi is a very good boy, un?"

"Tobi doesn't believe you."

"Would you believe me if we went undercover and got some strawberry ice cream after my shower, un?"

"Yes, then Tobi would believe Deidara-sempai is truly sorry."

"Okay then. I'll go take my shower. Don't touch my clay or it'll explode all over you, un."

"Y-yes Deidara-sempai. Tobi will not blow up clay today."

"Today, un?"

"Uhhh... Tobi didn't mean that, Tobi just had a slip of the tongue! Tobi just means he wishes he could learn!"

"......" Tobi audibly sweatdrops.

"I don't believe you, but okay, un."

"...."

"......"

"....."

"Tobi stop humming out there! I can hear you, un!"

"Well, Tobi has nothing else to do while he waits."

"Then go occupy yourself, un."

"Why is this taking so long?"

"I got clay in my hair, un. It's hard to get out."

"Why?"

"Because I have long hair!"

"Oh, Tobi understands. It's like pretty girls with gum in their hair."

"...There's an insult in there somewhere. I just can't find it right now. Too busy, un."

"...Oh hey, Tobi found Deidara-sempai's clothes..."

"What was that you said, un?"

"Nothing Sempai....hmm....Sempai's pants...they're so soft... I wonder if Tobi can..."

"Tobi, you're worrying me. What are you doing out there, un!?"

"T-Tobi is occupying himself by reorganizing books, Sempai."

"Okkayyyy, un..."

"Mmm...these pants are really nice...maybe Tobi should just keep them...Deidara-sempai wouldn't notice anyway..."

"I'm coming out, un. Are you ready yet?"

"Y-yes Sempai."

"Tobi, are you okay, un?"

"Y-yes Sempai. Tobi only saw Leader and Konan-chan in the next room." He lies so easily. It's creepy.

"Did you take a picture, un? That would have been great blackmail.."

"Did Deidara-sempai forget?"

"Forget what, un?"

"Deidara-sempai doesn't let Tobi near cameras anymore. You said Tobi was too good at getting blackmail to be allowed a camera."

"Oh yeah. I did forget, un."

"....."

"Sempai, stop grinning. They've left already, Tobi made sure of it."

"Awww. Well, let's go, un."

"Tobi...doesn't believe you, still."

"I know, un."

"Tobi knows what will help though!"

"I'm dying on the spot to hear it, un."

"Sempai can get Tobi a large instead of a small."

"....."

"......."

"...Fine. But only because you cheated. Stupid mask, un..."

"_**Tobi does not cheat." **_

"Okay, okay, geez, un..."

"_**Tobi does not cheat!**_"

"I get the picture, un!"

"Tobi is a good boy!"

"...Sasori, you bastard...I just know that you're laughing down there, un..."

* * *

-drools from mental image where Deidara steps out of the shower-

Not that I'm bragging, but....Well, that was the easiest thing I've ever written. Never have I wrote so fast and with so few mistakes or changes when I reread it. I'm gladly proud of myself. I've found what my Council truly wants!

Too bad for them it isn't a super sappy romantic pairing like they want it to be.

Sux 2 B my Council,

Jade


	2. Late Night Paper Crunch

Hi!! Fastest update in the history of JadeBeam only because I'm scared of fans (they like to throw things and own way too many sharp, pointy objects) and I actually had the foresight to write the first three chapters before I posted the first. Don't count on this being regularly fast! Ha...regularly...funny word...Regu LAAAAR lee...heheh...

Anyway, let me tell you how this one came about. My Muses pushed me off the bed again so I'm going to have head trauma. These gatherings seem to now temporarily consist entirely of the Akatsuki, minus Sasori, who felt like staying dead for once, and Konan, who was on a shopping spree in Rain. How anyone can be up and shopping, that most unholy of activities, at such an unholy time as six in the morning, I'll never know. Even Hidan was cursing about the "F-ing jashin-forsaken middle of the night" visit. Hidan is not allowed to actively curse in this ..umm...collection...unless he's in the actual chapter. Damn is allowed for everybody. And now..

Disclaimer: -runs from cursing Hidan-

Hidan: Get back here and capitalize Jashin-sama's name, you-..! -stares- Oh damn it! Can't actively curse here. In that case...Get back here, teme!

-calls over shoulder- Jade doesn't own anyone! They own her, as you can very well see. If you can't, get some glasses 'cause you definitely need them!

* * *

"ARGH!"

"..."

"Grrrrrrr..." _Crumple_.

"Konan, it's getting on one AM. Can't you just give it a rest?"

"No!" _Crumple._

"Hey, stop tossing those at me."

"I don't actively toss them at you, I'm just tossing them over my shoulder."

"What are you doing that's getting you so annoyed anyway?"

"I'm trying to make pants."

"Out of paper."

"Yes."

"You don't have enough paper to make wearable pants."

"Yes I do."

"What's the point of making paper pants?"

"They're to match the paper shirt, the paper cloak, and the paper boxers."

"But boxers are for guys..."

"Duh, Pein."

"You're not a guy."

"Brilliant deduction. I can see why you're head of Akatsuki quite clearly now." _Crumple. _

"Not funny."

"Oh, I thought it was hilarious."

Konan, really. Why are you making all these clothes? They're not practical."

"They're not for me."

"Paper clothes aren't good for me either."

"Good, because they're not for you."

"...."

"........"

"...You aren't seeing another guy are you?"

"Pein!"

"Ow. No need to come over here and elbow me in the stomach."

"You deserved it. Of course I'm not. I'm making these for Deidara as a favor."

"...That doesn't make me feel any better."

"It's for Tobi's doll."

"When did Tobi get into this?"

"That's who the clothes are for. Tobi's doll. You know, for his birthday."

"..?"

"Ah, forget it. You're clueless."

"I am not clueless."

"Yes you are. Don't you know Tobi's birthday is tomorrow?"

"No. I'm clueless."

"See. Told you."

"How do you know Tobi's birthday?"

"He went around screaming it and parading around the base a week ago."

"How do you know he's not lying?"

"We don't, but since he won't tell us how old he is, we're assuming and celebrating it."

"Who 'we'?"

"Deidara, Itachi, Kisame, Zetsu and I."

"What about Kakazu and Hidan?"

"They're refusing to celebrate. Hidan cursed at the thought and what can I say? Kakuzu's a cheap bastard."

"Of course he is. That's why he's the treasurer. What about Sakura?"

"She got her present ages ago and has been hiding it in case we ever found out Tobi's birthday."

"What's the present?"

"Candy that's everlasting and never goes bad."

"That fits."

"Yeah."

"So...the point of the pants?"

"They're origami pants to go with the other paper clothes I already made, but the pants are difficult because of the bad quality of the paper." _Rip. _

"A financial hazard from having a cheapskate for a treasurer."

"More than a financial hazard if Deidara finds out I had no pants to go with the rest of the clothes. This is a joint present. He's making the doll a paintbrush and an easel."

"Will it explode?"

"No, so don't look at me like that. He's just putting a half finished painting of an explosion on the easel."

"Oh. Good."

"Augh I can't get this one fold..."

"Maybe you should work on it in the morning? Come get the ultimate relaxation with me."

"As enticing as a boxer-clad Pein is, I would rather get this done so I don't have to face the wrath of Deidara and Tobi."

"Why Tobi?"

"Because that voice is just too creepy to deal with sometimes."

"True. Even I leave the room when Tobi acts serious."

"..."

"....."

"ARRGHH!!!"

"Konan..I just thought of a great idea."

"I'm not leaving this to go have sex with you."

"Well, that would have been nice, but that wasn't what I was going to say."

"I'm not sleeping on it."

"But Konan.."

"And I am not taking help."

"Konan, please just hear me out."

"Fine. I'm listening." _Crumple._

"You're a shinobi."

"And...?"

"So be a shinobi!"

"...?"

"Chakra."

"...Good idea!"

"You don't have to tell _me_."

"........" _Crumple._

"I hate you."

"No you don't."

"Okay, I don't. But I hate that you suggested that because I was actually doing well on this one."

"Sorry."

"....."

"......"

"Nice puppy eyes. But Rinnegan doesn't mix with them."

"...."

"Stop sighing at me, Pein. I feel your pain, but I have my own."

"That sounded like Itachi's little brother, what's-his-face that's always trying to avenge his family and whatnot."

"The emo one?"

"Konan you may not have realized this but he only has one brother."

"I know, but one Uchiha is emo and one's bi. So the younger one is dubbed 'The Emo One' and the older becomes 'The Kisame-Lover'."

"Ha. He does love Kisame. They think I don't know what they do, but I'm not as stupid as I look."

"Which is saying a lot..."

"Watch it."

"And if I don't?"

"....."

"Yeah I thought so."

"Hn."

"Now _that _is an Uchiha trait."

"Huh?"

"Both of them go 'hn' and stare at each other. You should see when they're together. All they say is 'hn', 'tch' and 'Foolish'. It feels like an unholy monastery."

"Is there such a thing?"

"I don't know, that was a quote from Hidan."

"I figured."

"Damn it!"

"Why is it so hot in here?"

"Stupid piece of... Hidan's room is next door."

"So...?"

"You really are clueless about the members. Hidan will spout to anyone at the breakfast table how he likes it blistering hot when he does his ritual."

"I can't think of anyone who would listen to that while they're eating."

"Usually we're all forced because he rambles without caring who's listening and who's not."

"Why don't I know this?"

"Because you're too busy stuffing your face. But someone did listen, actually."

"Who?"

"Surprisingly, Sakura listened very intently first time around."

"_Sakura?!_"

"Yes. Remember? She's our medic-nin."

"Okay, I'm not completely clueless over here. I was the one who picked her out to be our medic. Kakuzu can only do so much. He can't heal someone. He can only stitch someone together."

"I know that... besides, he can't even do that right. Deidara had to have his arm redone by Sakura from when Kakuzu stitched it. Those threads diseased his entire arm and it turned black. It took that girl a month to find a cure."

"Why-?"

"-didn't you know? Because Sakura didn't feel the need to tell you. You knowing would mean more pressure on her."

"Okay, that's enough. Back to Hidan and Sakura-"

"Sakura has a bad sense of morbid curiosity when it comes to all things immortal, and especially Hidan. He can function as a head. That's incredible to her because she's a medic."

"Hey, you got it!"

"Got what?"

"Pants."

"Oh yeah! Cool, I guess talking randomly actually helped! Now I won't have to feel Tobi's and Deidara-kun's wrath!"

"......Deidara-kun?"

"Oops. Pein, come here."

"...."

"Okay fine, I'll come over to you instead."

"......."

"What was that for?"

"I don't like anyone but you, Pein. I promise."

"......."

"Ah, see? You can smile...Damn, it's gone. I guess I'll just have to fix that then."

* * *

I'm sorry, I hate writing Pein and Konan because they have no speech personality except that Pein is kind of formal and very jealous. Kisame has that fun-loving attitude, Zetsu is split, Itachi's stoic, Tobi speaks in 3rd person, and my favorite, Deidara, has that awesome un or yeah.

Konan and Pein are boring to me.

Pein: Just because we're not as freakish...

Konan: Speak for anyone but yourself, swirly.

Pein: Stop calling me that!

See you, un!

Jade


	3. Blood Stains

mpossible! Jade's uploading twice in the same day! Gasp! It's a phenomenon that **will never happen again**. Got that? _**Never...happen...again!**_ Really, I wasn't even reading or writing or sleeping this time. It was That 70's show, believe it or not. And this time, it's Itachi saying hi for a change. Not in the actual story, but before and after.

Itachi: That 70's show? o/\o?

Me: I don't know either. Just do the disclaimer.

Itachi: You realize you should be working in the Pirates Of the Carribean fandom right now, right?

Me: JUST DO THE DAMN DISCLAIMER!

Itachi: Hmmph. **Jade doesn't have the power to own us**, but she is under the illusion she can punch us.

Me: I can punch you! Watch! -punches Itachi's jaw-

Itachi: ...ow.

* * *

"...mmm...Jashin..."

"...Hidan..."

"What?"

"Do you have your pants on?"

"...What the f- woman, seriously?"

"Yes seriously. Do you still have them on?"

"Well duh I still have them on."

"Take them off. Now."

"What the hell?"

"Now! If that blood dries before I can get it out, you're scraping it off yourself."

"Hell no, woman."

"Then get them off."

"No f-ing way."

"Why not?"

"Because Jashin-sama does not let me do sacrifices when I'm f-ing naked."

"Ugh. That is one horrible metal picture, but you'll still be in your robe and your boxers."

"Doesn't matter."

"Those are your favorite pants."

"..."

"Ah, you see? Now give me the pants before you get more blood on them."

"No. How do I know you just don't want me naked, woman?"

"Sakura. My name is Sakura, for the tenth time."

"I don't give a rat's ass."

"I do. Now take off the pants before I just rip them off and throw them in the trash."

"..."

"Stop fantasizing and give them to me. You're starting to drool."

"Would you stop pestering me? They're staying on."

"If they're staying on, you're washing your own clothes from now on."

"I am not."

"What, scared of soap? I can see why.."

"You wish, woman."

"Call me that again. Watch what happens."

"Sure, woman."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"It could have been easier. But you just had to make it hard on yourself."

"F- you."

"You wish."

"Didn't I say that before?"

"The difference was you had your head attached to your body-"

"Where it should be now, you-"

"-last time."

"Just let go of my ears, you're f-ing stretching them!"

"Okay!"

"OWW! Jashin damn it, woman! Don't drop me!"

"I said don't call me that. That's why you're a head in the first place."

"Quit kicking me! My head is not a Jashin-forsaken soccerball!"

"Right now, it's the perfect size. A little on the large side-"

"Like your forehead?"

"..."

"Fine, f- it all! Stop trying to f-ing squeeze my head like it's toothpaste!"

"Apologize."

"Hell no, woman! Ow!"

"_**Apologize.**_"

"I already said no, you heathen woman! OW!"

"Apologize or you're getting dumped and I'm putting your hair in pigtails."

"I don't care."

"With neon pink and green ribbons."

"Go to hell."

"Including sparkles all over your head."

"..."

"With pink and purple sparkle makeup."

"Your f-ing forehead is Jashin forsaken."

"You're only making it worse for yourself. Next is a glittery pink stripper thong Super-Glued to your body."

"..."

"...by Tobi."

"...but your forehead is perfectly normal."

"Good boy."

"I'm not that f-tard heathen Tobi, you know."

"Really? I hadn't noticed."

"The ladies can't keep their hands off me."

"Where did that come from?"

"I tend to spout random things when I'm detached from my body for too long."

"Huh?"

"PUDDING!"

"..."

"..."

"Hidan you're really starting to freak me out. And not from the glaring or the disembodied head thing."

"..."

"Okkaaay...the random stuff is creeping me out. You're never random unless it has to do with cursing."

"Tangerine... S'not my f-ing fault. It's a side effect from Jashin. It was either the random babble or the tendency to kiss people."

"..."

"...Indigo?"

"That's **it**!"

"..."

"Whoa what the hell? What are you doing with that damn tape- mmph!"

"That's better."

"Mmmvbbmmph."

"I'm going to ignore that and get out the case."

"Mmphl?"

"Makeup case."

"..."

"Hidan, stop trying to roll away. It's not going to work."

"Mmmpphhlll!"

"Yes, seriously, I am still going to put makeup on you."

"Jhuiog! Hfyfyiu! Fweggat!"

"I can't even make sense of that, but I know it was cursing. If you don't close your eyes for the eyeshadow, I'm going to make you close them."

"..."

"There, all done. Now was that so hard?"

"Tch, violent woman."

"Now that I will agree to."

"Hmph."

"Oh, and Hidan?"

"What now, woman?"

"I'm leaving now."

"Then take me back to my body."

"...Nah."

"You mother f-ing Jashin forsaken f-ing heathen! May Jashin damn you to hell for leaving me as an f-ing head!"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever, you cult freak. Bye."

"..."

"Damn it I still have to wash my own...pants? What the hell...?"

"..."

"...pink stripper thong...?"

"..."

"WOMAN! I'M GOING TO F-ING KILL YOU WHEN I GET MY DAMN BODY BACK!"

* * *

Itachi: You are sick-minded. I always liked you, author. She wishes for me to inform you that the many pauses are not abnormal with Hidan and Sakura. And that they do not get along like Leader hoped they would. It's more of a rivalry, but Sakura always has the upper hand, because most Akatsuki members do not particularly like Hidan, and favor her side in an argument between them.

Edit: Would you believe that I've had a general plot for the Itachi Kisame conversation in my head for several years now? Probably not, right?

I fell out of Akatsuki antics for, whoa, four years now? I'm just getting back into it a little, reading it and such, but I most likely will not update. So I'm putting this on an indefinite hiatus along with three other stories from my profile. I can't take this off, so I'll just leave it. I've loved quite a few fics in my time that were wiped from the internet, and I will not do that to those of you who read this.

Side note, you have no idea how much I want a copy of Vessel and Diplomacy, both by RiikiTikiTavi, who has disappeared from the fanfiction world. Not to plagiarize and steal, but to admire and reread until I go blind.

Okay, back to normalcy. Yes, this is going on hiatus, but I don't plan to abandon it. I'm just not into it. Haven't been for a long time.

Cynchick's stories are incredibly good Akatsuki stories though. And Saturday Night's Alright For Fighting is my all time favorite AkatsukiSakura fic, but I don't know the author of that one. Definitely on this site, though.

Sorry.

~WinterJade.


End file.
